My heart was pounding with anxiety with the dread of not knowing what was going to happen next. I’m just trying to fix it. I’m just trying to make it work. In a flash I realise that I had failed. Nothing was fixed. It was not working. I step back. I close my eyes and focus inside my heart and head. Light seemed to come from somewhere. Deep within.
The word I was hearing was: NO. No? Why No? Surely if I just kept on it would work? But loud and clear was that word again. NO! It was screaming inside of me. Pushing me away from what I was trying SO hard fix.
But what if it breaks? What if it breaks so badly that it is not useable ever again? The voice inside my head adds onto that scream inside of me and calmly says: move away. Don’t touch it. It is no longer yours to fix. Let go. I AM the fixer. But now I have to leave it broken in order that it would WANT to be fixed.
I cannot force it. Relationships have to be bi-directional. This relationship has to WANT to be fixed. So walk away, I must. Until it is ready to be fixed. As I turn around I see what is sacred in my life. The reflection of ME in the mirror on the wall and the sound of laughter coming from the other room. The sounds of joy coming from a deep voice of a 54 years old, a 22 year old and a sweet 16 year old.
These are the days of my life. THIS is what is sacred. Only this. I close the door behind me and join these 3 voices in the other room. GcM