The Way I Feel

The way I’ve been feeling is what “they” say I shouldn’t say.

I shouldn’t go by my feelings is what “they” say.

So what may I ask is this that beats at me with a stick?

This sense of isolation that makes me weak?

The way I’m discarded as one who doesn’t “need”

The way I’m feeling is almost like the sun setting on a stormy day. You can’t see the sun setting. You just know it’s the time.

I’m angry and hurt at the way I’m made to feel.

I’m supposed to be the Strong One.

No pain for me. No dismay. No offence. No defence. No hurt and never a gain.

Just needing a friend to whisper “it’s gonna be okay”

Just a word of encouragement saying: “you know what? You’re so right!”

So here I am today with the way I feel. What to do. Who to talk to. Where to go, and what to live for.

There’s no way for me.

Only this way.

The way that I feel.

Hopefully tomorrow I’ll heal. GcM

Just Breathe

Lying on my bed as I wait to be able to breathe peacefully. This thought pops up in my head. What if? What if I never breathe again? Would life as I know it stop to exist? Would I be remembered for joy or sadness that I brought to my friends and family?

The breathing seems to calm me down. I can feel every breath. It’s not as painful as it was yesterday. One more and one more breath. Just one more. Trying to get out of my head. It’s stuffy in there. I turn to my side and there it is. The reminder that life is worth living.

Another person breathing. His breathing is deep and his sleep peaceful. I’m amazed at this giant of a man with a heart so tender it makes my heart ache. Not with sadness but with love for him. As I watch his peace I realise that my life is not in pieces. The pieces of my life are held together by the love of this my beloved of almost 27 years!

How grateful I am to be able to listen to him breathing, and hearing my breath matching his. This is life. True living is found in hearts beating and lungs giving off breath. So much to be grateful for. We have not lost. Our love and our life is still here. It is a time to live and not to die.

She lives.

In the midst of the noise in her there is silence of birds chirping, the splashing of river water, ducks making conversation and the laughter of children playing.

Then there’s a woman kneeling in anguish and pain. In sorrow and desperation she waits. A woman so broken by life and the result of living.

Nobody sees the woman. No one is there. The therapeutic sounds of life have no effect on her. She’s seeking. She’s lost. She’s waiting. But nobody comes to help her.

Then by chance she looks up and sees that the clouds in the sky are darkening. There is no silver lining. She realizes it’s about to rain. The sounds of therapy change to sounds of rain and thunder.

She keeps looking at the sky. Now she realizes that the person or thing that holds the silver lining and controls the sounds of therapy also control this. This noise of thunder and rain.

So she runs! She runs! For she has just remembered that life holds her too! It consists of her too! She has life…..

Planted to Bloom

Right now there’s only ONE way to achieve greatness and that is to wait. Then there’s only one way to show growth and that is to wait.

Sometimes a plant will need a season in which to produce a flower or a fruit. This season of waiting for the exact time to produce can be filled with challenges of weather, circumstances, weeds and lack of nourishment.

Have you ever watched a sleeping child? Have you ever nurtured a sick child? Have you ever watched the sun and moon become what is majestically known as a sunset? It’s as if the earth takes a PAUSE This is waiting for unknown and invisible change in a situation.

While I have to wait I am always torn between “wanting” the change or “experiencing” it. This waiting is challenging. Yet somewhere, somehow there is PURPOSE. A NEED to wait for a result.

What am I doing while I wait. I cannot see anything. No result. No change. But if I give up then I’ll never see the change! My waiting could result in the most powerful change I have ever experienced! And if I MOVE I will miss it!

It’s best to STAY. Planted to bloom. Being INTENTIONAL to experience the process that will bring the result. Not to waiver, move or distract from it. Whatever I am going through, it’s best to not be the FIXER but to allow myself to be “fixed through the process”. Planted. Through the process. Good or bad. Not to give up. Just STAY PLANTED.

The ONLY reward for being planted is the reward of possible growth and evidence of waiting.

Sometimes it’s easy to go where the wind blows, but those that stand firmly planted are forces to be reckoned with. Charles Krauthammer

So here it is. Don’t give up being planted. There is a big difference between being planted and being stuck. Rather choose to be planted.

He or she is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” Jeremiah 17:8

Where is God?

Right now the world is caught in a severe pandemic. Everyday we look at the statistics and news of people getting sick as well as of people dying. The common expression today is: “the numbers are turning into names”

In all of this we wonder about a few things: 1. How did we get here? 2.How long can this go on? 3.And more often: Where is God?

There’s an old song written by John Newton “Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home.” I recently did some research on this song. When John Newton wrote this promise, he did so out of personal experience. His greatest test came the day he buried his wife, Mary. He’d loved her dearly and prayed his death would precede hers. But his prayer was not answered.

On the day Mary Newton died, John Newton found strength to preach a Sunday sermon. The next day he visited church members, and later he officiated at his wife’s funeral.  He grieved but in his grief he found God’s provision.  He later wrote this: “The Bank of England is too poor to compensate for such a loss as mine.  But the Lord, the all-sufficient God speaks, and it is done.  Let those who know Him, and trust Him, be of good courage.”

My friend, today I would like to encourage you that right now disease, confusion, chaos, and trouble is overwhelming your world.  But they don’t control it!  Grace does.

In 2 Corinthians 12:9 it says: My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 

How do we boast about our weakness? 1. We pray. 2.We seek God and. 3.We don’t stop believing. An old Sunday school song reminds me to “Read your Bible, Pray everyday and you will grow, grow, grow”

Being stuck in a pandemic does not mean we should be stuck. There are things we can do to find God in this time. God is not stuck. His grace is enough to carry you and I through each day.

Let’s not give up. Let’s not lose hope. But hold onto what we believe to be true. That God is everywhere. That He is able. And that He is in control.

Is your situation so bad right now that you are asking where God is? Then be in conversation with other believers. Let NOW be the time you and I find God as we have never found Him before.

As it says in Jeremiah 29:13 “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Let’s not give up until we feel Gods presence in our lives again. God has not left us.

Depression… laugh about it?

Hope you enjoy this video as much as I have. It’s not everyday that I meet somebody who has the same invisible disease or sickness that allows them to laugh about it one day and cry the next day about why they cannot laugh about it.

They say that “laughter is as good as medicine”. Watching this definitely made me laugh and it helped!

Enjoy! Laugh a little! One day at a time!

New Year 20 to 20-One “Level Up”

We have entered a new year of 2021 and as I reflect back on 2020 I realise that the greatest thing I long for in 2021 is “Change” This requires a difference in thought, behaviour and circumstance. This “change” is in existence. It is in ME.

The world at 2020 was a strange one with limited change in health, wealth and circumstance. How does one “level up”? Reflection of one’s own interior offers an antidote to this. Examining oneself.

In the Bible the 21 is a symbol of perfection and maturity. It symbolizes the divine wisdom: “mirror of eternal light, which pierces and penetrates all grace in its purity”. The Bible mentions this number in relation to something extremely important. (Cc Wikipedia)

We often create levels for people in our lives who do not deserve those levels. I am realising today, on the 1st January 2021 that it is time for me to “level up” and “change”. For too long I have depended on being “the lesser” or the more lower level than others. Putting others first is Biblical. Loving your neighbour as you love yourself. Treating myself as I treat others. Or treating others as I wish to be treated

Mark 12:31
The second is this, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

But to undermine yourself and put others on a pedestal is wrong. Knowing who you are and knowing what you are capable of is one of the most powerful revelations I have recently experienced. This is also determined as Idolatry.

For this year I wish to KNOW WHO I AM. Having the knowledge that I do NOT need to apologise for success or favour. NOT to be afraid to succeed. To move past those who prefer me to remain “at the bottom” in a state of need or depression. To see my own life as that which is worthy and able to flourish. To reach more, even when it’s challenging. To fight for my own personal freedom as I would fight for others.

The ONE of the 2021 year is a STEP UP. A change and a new level of thinking, believing in myself and trusting of the process. So, watch out. No matter what may come my way, I would prefer to know one thing at the end of it.


What we see & what we say

In this season even where we are experiencing isolation and even confusion, we need to be able to say something about it! Healing ourselves through honest living is extremely helpful during this time.

The most important fact is HOW we say and WHAT we say. Remaining considerate, thoughtful and kind is a continuous battle of our will and temperament.

I recently heard the expression: “love as if you’ve never been hurt before”. Such a challenging suggestion of what is against most of our natural response or attitude.

“Hurt people hurt”


The mouth speaks what the eyes see. Or the mouth speaks what the heart feels. These are our “excuses”. Yet there is a world of dying people. Not just from the virus, but heart hurting people who suffer at the hands of arrogant, obnoxious, self centred and uncaring individuals. I remember a little Sunday school song: “Oh be careful little eyes what you see. Oh be careful little mouth what you speak. For the Father up above is looking down in love. Oh be careful…….

Living our lives considerate of one another is essential for even our own wellness. I am finding myself more and more looking to make peace with these offenders, and in turn I am making sure that my actions do not offend anybody. This does not mean that I am perfect. It simply means I am in process.

In this season of pandemic and isolation, I find myself “looking” at my life’s content with more seriousness and intent. Visiting an ophthalmologist recently revealed that I was losing peripheral vision in my left eye. As a permanent “fix” of the problem is not available to remove the problem, he suggests drops applied to the eye on a regular and daily basis. This will help to reduce the pressure in the eye. Therefore, I continue to see but not able to see everything clearly. Straight ahead but not to the side. Unless I turn towards the object. I decided to call it “avoiding tunnel vision”. So when I now look at something I turn my head at a slight angle in order to see the FULL quality of my vision. Or, the full picture for that matter. Interesting!

So I end with this: Just keep an eye on your mouth and your eyes. Make sure that you are not offended, and totally make sure that you’re not the offender. Let’s be careful in how we express ourselves.


“I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.”
‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:13‬ ‭NIV‬‬

These things we battle. In the mind, the body, relationships, globally, nationally and everywhere else. These are some of the things. Some battle alone, isolated abs some battle these things with others.

How do we know what STRENGTH looks like? Is it a shape of a body, words from a mouth, success in achievements, monetary and material success or is it something that few of us have . THE KNOWLEDGE of it. Knowing our strength is connected to knowing WHO loves us.

Finding the strength is connecting ourselves to people who encouraging, supportive and off course there is KNOWING WHO GOD IS. Strength is not just bodily. David writes in a very well known Psalm:

“I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭121:1-2‬ ‭. Was David fearful, lonely and in danger? Yes he was. But he KNEW where his strength can be found. From God

I encourage you today to find the one who has created all that we love and enjoy in creation, relationships abs knowledge. Go to God. He is your strength. Verse 3 of this psalm says:

Strength in God

“He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber;”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭121:3‬ ‭NIV‬‬
We CAN trust God. He does not fail. Go to Him RIGHT NOW! He is always available, online and ready.

May you find ALL that you need to honour and serve Him. You will never be alone again.